The nightmare of the last 5 years..I will absolutely NOT put up with gender-based violence!
Imagine telling a woman who has all the infinite potential in the world that “she has to be a certain way” — docile, submissive, quiet, unquestioning, just accepting whatever she has been told. But imagine that this person wants to be like one of the female leaders of this world — former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice or the German chancellor Angela Merkel, for example. Now imagine a warped scenario where she is trapped, in some kind of a mental imprisonment and dealing with cultish thinking, evangelical thought, brainwashing and a doctrine that tells her a bunch of “should’s” and tells her there is no CHOICE.
I’ve been in this bizarre, abusive and warped situation for 5 years now. I’m not sure why. No one is even paying me a cent for it — I feel so used. Somewhere along the way, I misinterpreted what I was supposed to do and made a horrible wrong turn or decision when all I meant was for the best — or what I thought was best at the time. But I was so damn wrong. I am so miserable and my physical health is deteriorating. And the better part of me — the version of me that KNOWS what is best for me is screaming to be released from this prison, from this torture of suffering and pain.
I think the bottom line is that this bad guy in question is a Korean guy — the perpetrator who brought all of this about. And there is so much baggage associated with Korean guys to be honest . Somewhere along the way, I made a rule — an unspoken rule- that I will not date Korean guys. They have a really bad reputation for being overly patriarchal, treating women poorly, drinking and gambling, wearing wife-beaters (Korean tank-tops that men wear as a symbol of patriarchy and unfounded machismo), and all sorts of other habits. Korean men have a reputation for treating women poorly unjustifiably and harassing women. Having witnessed and heard stories of women who have subjected to such poor treatment by Korean men, I made a vow somewhere along the way that Korean guys are to be avoided. And I was right! Also, I don’t even know this bad guy — he is virtually a stranger! The fact that he is a stranger whom I barely know and whose background is a huge, nebulous question mark makes this situation inherently dangerous. How can I even be expected to associate with a bad guy who is so shady and questionable? But my “religion” makes me feel like I have to cooperate or else! This is obviously a situation of gross coercion!
The bad guy in question was a smoker. He couldn’t even speak English properly. Anyone with eyes can see that this is an abject human rights violation situation to which no woman should be subjected to. I was very vulnerable when I met this bad guy. There are so many lies and misinformation that are perpetuated by Christians and evangelicals that are designed to keep women entrapped and in bondage. Take the case of Crisis Pregnancy Centers (CPCs) that are designed to lure women away from accessing abortion services or critical women’s health services that are a matter of Life and Death. Yet these CPCs have proliferated all across the U.S. to help to prevent women from receiving legitimate healthcare that THEY DESERVE. In San Francisco, the District Attorney outlawed these fake CPCs by passing an ordinance that made these CPCs illegal.
Whatever treatment or macabre bullshit I’m experiencing in this religion (cult, ahem) is degrading, criminal and illicit. This situation I’m in is a CRIME according to U.S. law and statute. I’ve basically wasted the last 5 years in this situation that feels more like abuse and exploitation and a slow form of torture and death than anything else. Alexandria Stein, phD, from the University of London wrote in a NBCNews.com article which appeared on April 2, 2018, “Women’s right to control their bodies, their sexuality are all taken away in cults as the leader grabs control of these most intimate parts of their lives.” She continues to state: “Women don’t choose this: they are groomed, brought in slowly and gradually separated from their previous lives and close relationships. Once isolated within the cult, and suffocated within its closed world, it becomes almost impossible for followers to maintain their independence. At a certain point, it becomes easier to simply give in, stop thinking and accept the new norms.” I am writing this essay as a way for me to petition the Universe for some kind of relief or a suave or a mollifying resolution because as Stanford University Professor Ann Firth Murray said, “women’s rights are human rights.” How hypocritical for this religion to claim to advocate for women’s, rights when it is deliberately harming my Life — my precious, sacred Life — and the life of millions of women in the U.S. and around the world by subjecting us to misogynistic doctrines, dogma and an agenda that is extremely pernicious and deleterious to women! (See Stein’s warning signs of a cult in http://www.alexandrastein.com/warning-signs.html).
If this being is real, it must be something so frightening and Evil because I feel as if I’m stuck in the banality of Evil that is systematic misogyny. If this is the kind of ludicrous bullshit and cultish treatment that I have to subjected to because of this religion, I quit — I damn quit and walk away voluntarily because who wants be treated like an object or agenda?! NO ONE!
Basically, evangelical thought or belief has made my Life so much more complicated than it has to be. This religion is based on delusion and on antiquated notions of feminism that entrap women and are more based on ideas and notions that prevailed centuries ago than anything else. I am so angry that this religion I trusted has almost dug a pit for me. It’s over! — I desire a separation of sorts so that I can reclaim my Life once again and focus on self-care and self-love…(which I desperately need!)